Being a total technology nerd, I decided I would go out and purchase myself a shiny new iPhone cover.

Little did I know that of the $50 I spent on my gift-to-self, that at least $25 of that had clearly been put into the production of the packaging.

It seemed that it was not to be as simple as buying a simple gift to self. My prize was trapped inside some kind of human-proof Army Grade plastic force-field.

Being the resourceful girl, I attempted to break into the receptacle using my person. After suffering several injuries and using practically every body part excluding my arse to break the seal, it became apparent that I would need some tools.

I began with the logical choice: scissors. Unfortunately, I didn’t have on hand anything other than hair-cutting scissors, which decided they weren’t really up to the job of PLASTIC and promptly split themselves apart faced with such a challenge.

I then moved onto the knife set, from slicing knife to electric hard core meat carving knife… none could break the impenetrable seal.

Luckily, I’d gone through a stage of depression years ago and had kept my scalpel set.

Success at last. Somewhat frustrated by my failure, what ensued was analogous to a sort of Chainsaw Massacre of the plastic prick…

30 minutes and several plastic cuts later...

Joy and ecstasy! Finally, my prize was free!
The plastic lay upon the floor in a hundred shiny shards – a symbol of my torment.

Cover in hand I rushed to my iPhone and spent another 20 minutes trying to figure out how exactly to fit the bastard on my phone.

Being somewhat adverse to the notion of actually reading instructions (especially for such a seemingly simple task that you would assume a phlegmatic elephant would be able to achieve), I persisted for some time, accomplishing only a cramp in my wrist and an anger headache.

Submitting to the fact that clearly must be a “trick” to it - which of course would be hidden somewhere in the instructions, I decided I would read them (and of course never tell anyone of such idiocy).

Alas, the instructions were no more. My earlier hacking fit.

Somewhere between wrath and utter despair, I commenced the Jigsaw from hell…

Finally I reconstructed the instructions and managed to squeeze my iPhone into her new dress.

After this ordeal, I looked at my phone in it’s shiny new bastard case and realised it had been totally de-sexified by it’s new attire. It was no long sleek and sexy but fat and chunky. I decided to take the cover off, a decision compounded by the fact I would remember my irritation every time I looked at it…which could result in disaster – I could fall out of love with my iPhone. I could not risk such a thing.

Totally demoralised by my unusable experience with the impenetrable plastic, I decided I would cheer myself up with a tasty treat. A biscuit perhaps.

I commenced the task of taking opening the plastic packet of biscuits, taking one out of the plastic tray, and WRATH unwrapping the biscuit from its plastic wrapper.

Kill me now,
- C